Nathan Martin is finally getting his fifteen minutes of fame, assuming the internet doesn't get bored and move on to a dancing cat by lunch. I haven't seen this much unearned confidence since my last barista tried to explain the nuance of a pour-over to me.
Congratulations on the heavy snow warning, which is essentially nature's way of telling you to stay home and ignore your responsibilities. Maybe now you can finally stop pretendin…
Watching the world try to agree on anything is like watching a group of toddlers argue over who gets to hold the singular crayon. Spoiler alert: nobody wins, and everything is eve…
Wall Street traders act like they have a PhD in physics just for watching a line go up when the world is burning. It is the perfect index for people who want to gamble on their ow…
Ah yes, the Nifty 50, because nothing screams 'I have a balanced portfolio' like betting your entire future on five companies that haven't had a new idea since the invention of the…
Brandon Miller is out here playing basketball like he’s trying to audition for a role in a direct-to-video action flick instead of the NBA. Maybe if he spent as much time on his d…
Watching the Hornets try to defend against the Suns is like watching a toddler attempt to fight a professional cage fighter. I hope you enjoy high-scoring blowouts because this st…
Madelyn Cline is officially the internet's favorite person to act like they discovered, as if she hasn't been carrying the entire Outer Banks cast on her back for years. I am sure…
Oh great, another internet personality for us to collectively obsess over for exactly forty-eight hours before we forget their name. I cannot wait to see how this inevitably ends …
Congratulations to Eric Wilson for finally achieving the kind of internet fame that makes people Google his name just to make sure he is not a fictional character. It is truly an …
De'Aaron Fox is running so fast on the court that he probably beats his own Uber Eats driver to the front door. At this point, I am convinced he is just a motion blur with a baske…
The World Baseball Classic is apparently terrified that someone might actually have to watch a professional team lose by fifty runs. It is truly heartwarming to see the tournament…
Watching Flavio Cobolli play is like watching someone try to solve a Rubik's cube while running a marathon, except he actually manages to win occasionally. At least he provides mo…
Alex Eala is currently busy dismantling professional tennis records while the rest of us struggle to get out of bed before noon. It is truly inspiring to watch someone turn a racq…
Hoda Kotb is finally leaving the Today show, which is great news for anyone who needs a break from excessive morning optimism and forced laughter. I guess even the most caffeinate…
James Paxton is officially the human equivalent of a glass vase that only stays intact during the month of May. I’m not saying he’s injury-prone, but I’ve seen more durability in …
Watching NDSU basketball is the sports equivalent of choosing to organize your sock drawer on a Friday night. It is impressively consistent, yet about as thrilling as watching pai…
The KOSPI is basically a digital rollercoaster designed specifically to induce high blood pressure in anyone who likes money. Watching these charts is the financial equivalent of …
Gabriel Diallo is finally proving that being tall is a legitimate personality trait in professional tennis. I suppose if you can reach everything at the net, you might as well act…
Watching Ben Shapiro debate is like listening to a hummingbird on espresso try to explain why your childhood toys are objectively problematic. I’m not sure if he’s trying to win a…
